GRIEF & LOSS
Understanding the grieving process can be difficult. The following six basic guidelines about grieving help explain what to expect when you lose someone, and how to deal with those changes.
For more tips on dealing with grief and loss, see:
6 Basic Principles of Teen Grief
1. Grieving is a person's natural reaction to death.
Grief is a natural reaction to death and other losses. However, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death. The sense of being out of control that is often a part of grief may overwhelm or frighten some teens. Grieving is normal and healthy, yet may be an experience teens resist and reject. Helping teens accept the reality that they are grievers allows them to do their grief work and to progress in their grief journey.
2. Each teen’s grieving experience is unique.
Grieving is a different experience for each person. Teens grieve for different lengths of time and express a wide spectrum of emotions. Grief is best understood as a process in which bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors surface in response to the death, its circumstances, the past relationship with the deceased, and the realization of the future without the person. For example, sadness and crying may be an expression of grief for one teen, while another may respond with humor and laughter.
While many theories and models of the grieving process provide a helpful framework, the path itself is an individual one, and often lonely. No book or grief therapist can predict or prescribe exactly what a teen will or should go through on the grief journey. Adults can best assist grieving teenagers by accompanying them on their journey in the role of listener and learner.
3. There are no "right" or "wrong" ways to grieve.
Sometimes adults express strong opinions about "right" or "wrong" ways to grieve, but there is no correct way to grieve. Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules nor is it a course to be evaluated or graded.
There are, however, “helpful” and “unhelpful” choices and behaviors associated with the grieving process. Some behaviors are constructive and encourage facing grief, such as talking with trusted friends, journaling, creating art, and expressing emotion rather than holding it inside. Other grief responses are destructive and may cause long-term complications and consequences. These methods may temporarily numb the pain of loss, but can ultimately hurt you. For example, some teens attempt to escape their pain through escape routes that really can be damaging:
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alcohol and substance abuse
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reckless activity
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antisocial behaviors
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withdrawal from social activities
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excessive sleeping
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high risk-taking behaviors
4. Every death is unique and is experienced differently.
The way teens grieve differs according to personality and the particular relationship they had with the deceased. They typically react in different ways to the death of a parent, sibling, grandparent, child, or friend. For many teens, peer relationships are primary. The death or loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to affect them more than the death of a sibling or grandparent. Within a family each person may mourn differently at different times. One may be talkative, another may tend to cry often, and a third might withdraw. This can generate a great deal of tension and misunderstanding within the already stressed family. Each person’s responses to death should be honored as his or her way of coping in that moment. Keep in mind that responses may change from day to day or even from hour to hour.
“Expect the unexpected. Emily actually danced and sang after I told her that her mother died. I was shocked. Later I realized the relief we both felt. The relationship had been filled with her alcoholism, lies, and illness.”
- Father to Emily, 17
“I hate it when people think I should be grieving according to the ‘stages’ described in some high school health book. Since my sister’s death, I’ve learned that grief isn’t five simple stages.”
- Kimberly, 17
5. The grieving process is influenced by many issues.
The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including:
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social support systems available for the teen (family, friends, and community)
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circumstances of the death (how, where, and when the person died)
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whether or not the young person unexpectedly found the body
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nature of the relationship with the person who died (harmonious, abusive, conflictual, unfinished, communicative, etc.)
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teen’s level of involvement in the dying process
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emotional and developmental age of the teen
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teen’s previous experiences with death
6. Grief is ongoing.
Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity. Many grievers have compared their grieving to the constantly shifting tides of the ocean; ranging from calm, low tides to raging high tides that change with the seasons and the years.
